Coffee is a Drug

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And my coffee cup is paraphernalia.

If the DEA made coffee a schedule 1 drug and I was pulled over I would go to jail because first they would smell it when I rolled down my window, second they would see my cup and third they would find my cup loaded up with several hits of coffee. I would be arrested for DWI, DUI, possession as well as intent to distribute after they found several large bags of coffee beans in my backseat and resisting arrest because I would be so geeked up on caffeine that I would feel invincible and feel that I was able to overcome the officer by force. If I had enough coffee that day I might not even pull over in the first place and maybe try and make a run for it. Why would I try and make a run for it?  Because I’ve got coffee in my freaking car! Regardless of what they get me for I’m going to jail. I’ve got nothing to lose at this point.
They should have just left me and my coffee alone in the first place and none of this would have happened. What business is it of theirs if I enjoy a cup of coffee or two or three now and then? Me drinking my coffee isn’t hurting anybody besides talking everybody’s ear off while on a coffee buzz. That’s just irritating, not dangerous.
Coffee makes me motivated, creative and energetic. It gives me willpower when it is lacking. It makes me push when I am slacking. Oh wow that rhymed! Coffee gives me ideas when I have none.
Of course, none of this would ever happen because caffeine hasn’t been labeled as a controlled substance by the government. I don’t understand this myself because according to the DEA the definition of a schedule 1 drug is ” Substances in this schedule have no currently accepted medical use in the United States, a lack of accepted safety for use under medical supervision, and a high potential for abuse.”
I’ve actually done some research on caffeine and how it affects the body and the mind. Caffeine is additive both physically and psychologically, can be detrimental to health in higher quantities and has no medical use that I am aware of.
Kinda makes you wonder doesn’t it?

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